Welcome to Danger Doodles! Where doodles may or may not be in real danger. An alliterative journey that takes fictional characters on fun, funky and fuckin' weird adventures.
Introduction - Henry Bones
Meet Henry, our first #DangerDoodle. If we're being totally honest here, I only used a # there because the website suggested I do it. I'll check the analytics later but I think if you wanted to find this post. . . You'll have found it without the search.
Hank is a guy of simple needs, clearly. He has seen some shit in his day, he wonders around without a shirt on and shorts with threads barley hanging on. Hank loves cake. Hank never committed any crimes for cake, he just takes odd jobs and sells what he owns for cake. I wouldn't describe Hank's love as an addiction, that would imply he couldn't break free of it at his own choosing. Henry chooses this life of cake, he would die for cake but somehow, never does. Thus leaving him shirtless wondering about. He has a feather like structure on top of his head, although it looks like nice decoration it's actually attached. The feather serves no purpose and has no value, thus the reason ol' Hanky hasn't sold it. It kinda just floats along, following Hank on his cake filled adventures.
". . . . . . " - Hank
Today I want to talk about an odd job Hank once took. There are many stories that Mr. Bones could take us on but today, you're at my mercy. Hank found this job on social media deliver groceries for cash. ''Seems simple enough.'' Hank thought. He took the job, cake on his mind, the baked kind not the cash kind, or even the cake by the ocean kind. Good, traditional cake, specifically the cake above. Four layers each better than the last, no matter which way you look at the cake, it always got better as you scanned the layers. Chocolate, vanilla, raspberry and chocolate again. Frosting matching each layer perfectly. In all honesty the cake was probably overkill for being on display like a pair of shoes in a Skechers.
Hank wanted the cake, as we all do, so he took the job. How hard can this actually be? Time to deliver groceries. The instructions read as follows.
Meet at Jarren's Outpost
Talk to a person named Baron. They'll be just inside and VERY recognizable.
Deliver groceries to 336 Leaforte Hole.
Hank thought this was simple enough, right? Go, get groceries, deliver, done. Hank wasn't quite sure how he was going to find Baron but Hank was also very social with strangers. He actually quite likes to talk to strangers and share his love of cake. He has an agenda with this though, he things that if he can convince others that cake is worth building your life around, we all could live in a world of cake. Much like those awesome memes we see everywhere. Go head and pinch yourself, make sure you aren't already cake. A big sentient cake with anxiety, that's all we are.
Back to the story. . .
Hank arrives at Jarren's Outpost, nothing out of the ordinary, just your regular grocery store. There is someone who catches his eye upon entry. A tall woman with an eyepatch, fits the description. Hank approaches with equal parts confidence and anxiety. He has one line to deliver, as the moment approaches the anxiety takes over. Henry has such poise when he is about to talk about cake but anything else? He feels so lost, he is like a vegan in a meat market. He suddenly feels dread and hopeless, this overthinking is going to screw up his one chance to get this right.
Hank is normally a very polite person but in his thoughts he forgot to use an appropriate greeting. He just stands there with the expression much like above. Eyes wide, mouth ajar. He stares blankly and delivers one sentence, the one sentence he had been practicing for the last 10 minutes.
"I'm groceries and I'm here to pick up the hank for 336 cake." - Hank
Although the line was completely wrong, this mysterious woman seemed to understand. With one bag on the counter behind her she doesn't say a word and hands it over. With a blank and slightly confused expression she goes about her business as Hank scampers out of the store. Time for the last step, delivery.
As the taste of victory and specifically cake begin to creep into Hank's senses. He gets a little curious as to what he is delivering. He doesn't peek, no he can't that isn't ethical. Hank arrives at his destination with excitement, he is about to receive a payday that'll secure the 4 layered cake.
He approaches the door, final delivery in sight. No words need to be exchanged. Deliver and done. While standing at the door he notices something odd. On each side of the door is a statue of a person, one is holding a cupcake, the other a carrot. It's beginning to occur to Henry where he is. This must be the home of an awful baker. According to Hank the second worst bakers were those who decimate cakes and turn them into cupcakes instead, why would you only want a small portion of cake? Sure you can eat more but why waste the energy doing that?
One step below those bakers are the bakers who were previously only a myth. Bakers who add vegetables to their creations. Hank realizes that he might just be delivering an arsenal to his worst nightmare. He peeks into the bag and a glance shows, cupcake tins & carrots. The door opens and standing in front of Henry Bones is a mountain of a man with flour on his apron and leaves in a trail behind him. No words exchanged, only the goods. Not only are the intentions here to make cupcakes but they're carrot cupcakes. How can someone be so vile to even WANT something like that.
The door closes and Hank sinks into himself, realizing what an important role he just played in this seemingly innocent story. He never vowed to destroy cupcakes before but now? Now he must, he can't stand the thought of being tricked into delivering such goods.
"What the hell did I just do to cake." - Hank
From this day forward Henry Bones is a warrior for cake, only cake.